Searching for Passion

For those of you who know me, you know I'm not a person that does things without passion. Whether it's been my work or at play, people have always used the word passionate to describe me. I'm passionate about everything from the people around me to the things I do. There is little that I don't do or give my whole heart too and maybe that will be my downfall in life. And maybe that's why I'm so disappointed right now.

Well anyway, these days I've been searching for something to be passionate about, to put my heart into, and I have to say with little success. Maybe I'm expecting too much. It's hard to get excited over doing a puzzle or taking your meds and it's leaving a big hole. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do about it or how to fill growing hole in my life. I need something to put my heart into.

And yes, I know I have my limitations now and maybe living my life without limits in the past has put me in a place of disappointment and longing. Everyday I wake trying to find something to fill that need for passion and come up with nothing. Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places but I don't know where to actually look. I try to get excited over making a batch of cookies or about writing for you here but something is still missing. Sitting still has never been a passion of mine. I like to get out and do things. I like to make a difference in the lives around me and the people I choose to be part of that life. And what difference can I make now? What do I have to contribute?

It sounds like I spend my time trying to make others happy and perhaps that is why I seem to be looking in all the wrong places. I'm not really looking for others to give me the passion I so truly love but the passion I get from being involved in peoples lives and having some sort of impact. Sometimes it's a positive impact and others it not necessarily so but either way it's making some sort of difference. Making a difference is what gives me passion.

Perhaps I need to find something else and stop giving so much of myself away. Perhaps I should keep the things I love to myself and just pay attention to that for a while. I can try to be passionate about my painting and my writing and any number of other things. And I can still be passionate about my family and few close friends but just focus it on a different level since right now I can't be the real "me."

Well, I'm off to find some passion...