Afternoon Reminder

I just got the call, you know, the reminder call. The call you get the day before the appointment. I'm shaking in my slippers!

I don't know why I'm so scared that they are going to tell me I don't have Cushing's. My IM tells me that I do! She was sure in December and even documented it in her files. It's just that she isn't sure how to treat me after the diagnosis and she has only read about people like me in textbooks. And, of course she has been doing lots of reading since her first "Cushie" walked in. She believes a lot of my story because she has known me for five years so she knows I don't come in for the sniffles and I don't normally look like a human balloon. Earlier this month she did convice the rheumatologist that she might be right about Cushing's too since I don't have lupus or arthritis that's causing all these aches and pains. And I do have all the medical tests on my side. Okay, see what I mean about rambling Cushies...if you made sense out of that I'll give you a blue ribbon...

So why am I scared? It''s kinda like in high school when you knew you were the fastest runner but you still got nervous the day before the race - I think. I mean I know I have all this evidence on my side, but is it solid? What if all this is just a freak thing and I wake up like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz and it's all just one big headache? Deep-down inside I know something is wrong with me, never in my life have I felt so weird, strange, ill, whatever, so I guess that's why I haven't dropped it yet. I have to believe that I'm not totally insane.

How could one want to feel like this? They say that mentally ill people may make this stuff up - why? I would much rather run a marathon and get attention than sit here full of aches and pains. There are far better things in life than to try and get attention this way. I miss all the fun I used to have even simply walking around everyday in the fresh air is better than being trapped here in my apartment. Bumping into someone at the coffee shop and getting hot coffee poured all over my legs is even better than sitting here. I love people, crazy, funny, all sorts of people. You can't pay for that type of interaction and I certainly don't get it going to the doctor's office or looking out my window. Although I will say people do strange things when walking around parking lots when they don't know you're looking. If you're lucky one day I'll share.

Anyway, I'm just being a normal Cushie, I guess, having strange thoughts and normal ones for someone in my position no matter the disease...damn cortisol making me ramble...