Wide Awake and I'm Not Dreaming

Help, it's 3 a.m. and I'm not sleeping. Which means that I'm not dreaming. The truth is that I haven't been now for months. At first I thought it was the trauma of the car accident I had in May. But months have gone by and I'm really not that fragile. I spend hours awake everyday and only a couple asleep. Literally only 1 -3 hours and sleeping pills don’t help. You're probably asking why I'm I writing this, the truth, I'm not sure. I just can't sleep so I thought if I spent a few minutes here with you that maybe you'd understand the what it's like to be me for a few minutes and I'd get some comfort and be able to sleep. Like some cheap version of a teddy bear I once had as a child. Or maybe I'd get whatever thoughts I had out of this head and be able to get some peace-of-mind but there really no thoughts are keeping me awake just some cortisol running through my veins like speed on a racetrack. Damn, if only I was a car we'd all be rich!

Things I've done while not sleeping over the past few months:

• Watch cartoons, mature I know but brainless TV can sometimes make you fall back asleep
• Read books that I can’t remember since the cortisol seems to also rob memory
• Write strange emails to friends
• Write strange blogs to people who may never read them
• Pet my cat for endless hours, our relationship has grown very strong
• Thought about new inventions to get rich
• Tried herbal pillows and lotions and other strange things, the cortisol always wins but I smell a little funky
• Showered and taken bathes, my neighbors probably wonder what happens in the rooms next door when I bathe at 3 a.m.
• Paint with trembling muscles
• Research other possible cures and ways I could possibly do surgery on myself since no one will do it for me
• Try to find reasons why I may be crazy and reason why I am not...I have found other people who have Cushing's and apparently we all do this so therefore I am not until we prove otherwise

Things I have not been able to do:

• Laundry, the dryer wakes people
• Take out the trash, the garbage chute also makes noise
• Play music loudly and dance, too many reasons to count
• Dream about being better, especially lately the road less traveled is quite long these days
• Go for hikes or long walks
• Bake cookies, now come on, I can’t wake the neighbors with the scent of cookies at 4 a.m., that's just rude because I don't share
• Sleep
• Dream
• Snuggle

So count your blessings that you can sleep and dream even if they aren’t always the best dreams. Okay, I think I'll go back to my cartoons. Care to join me?