Going Public

Writing about this is easy; I get to hide behind this wall of “ink” and language that serves as a barrier between me and the world. And even between me and my friends. I can’t tell you the number of lunches, I’ve canceled because of how I look and yes, because of how I feel. Mostly because of how I feel with a secondary reason of how I look but usually it factors in somewhere.

Some may call it vanity but it’s more than that. Maybe it’s some sort of weird shame. When you go to doctor’s everyday and they tell you that’s it’s because you’re fat, or they make you feel crazy when you have a list a mile long of things that are wrong with you, you begin to question your own sanity. I’ve been to more than half a dozen doctors now and only one believes my story and it’s only because she’s been around for five years and knows that all these problems are completely not normal for me. Good thing cause she keeps me somewhat sane! I’ve never been “heavy” or “looked pregnant” or had high blood pressure or been a complete basket-case to the point my hair falls out. Please I do yoga and meditate and climb big mountains when stressed. I eat healthy and enjoy nice bottles of wine – I don’t curl up in a ball at the first sign of trouble.

People ask you how you feel but they don’t really care to listen to the answer these days so when you give and honest “Cushie” answer people can’t handle it. Many people no longer call or email to see how I’m doing. Trust me I get it, this is hard. I live here every day and I know this is depressing. I know better than I would ever want anyone else to. I get it. I guess part of writing this is in hopes of trying to get you to “get it” too. I don’t need you to sympathize or really understand. Like losing a child or a loved one, no one can really understand. But you can try to be there. You can just read, or listen, or just sit with me. It doesn’t take anything special - no fireworks required. Just knowing you’re still there gets “Cushies” like me through the day. So please keep reading and I promise I’ll try to write something funny or demented here and there but just keep coming.

Anyway, this weekend I plan to go even more public. I’ll be posting pictures…if technology cooperates. Yikes, this is scary because even before all this I wasn’t one to discuss my feelings and take photos of me and now I’m showing the entire world.

Be forewarned they aren’t for the weak at heart but stay tuned…