A Soccer Mom-to-Be?

Pregnant women have discovered a strange affinity for me lately. I think it's the bulging belly and sort of waddle I have developed so that I can carry this load that has become my body. Everywhere I go pregnant women and new mothers eye me like I'm the newest member of the soccer mom-to-be club. Please if this is what it feels like to be pregnant I have definitively decided not to go there and for those of you who have, you have my deepest sympathy.

I love food, and no that’s not what made me look like this! But pregnant women and I seem to either love it or have a complete adverse reaction to it. It can make our toes cringe upon the slightest thought and at other times we are tearing through the fridge like a bear coming out of hibernation. And then we eat and it likes to give us stomach issues. You know the kind that make strange noises and cause us to makes funny faces as acid arises in our throats. Yuck!

Comfort. An issue I have discussed many times. Let’s face it, I’m wearing the same clothes as they are except I’m too embarrassed to go to Motherhood to pick out the good stuff and besides I don’t plan on looking like this very long and hopefully not for nine months. Besides a key differentiating factor is they have a husband to purchase those expensive clothes most of the time. So for now Old Navy will have to do until I’m my rock star-self once again.

And the stomach keeps getting in the way. We can’t walk right. If you lined us all up we’d look like a family of over-sized ducks. The only thing missing is our quack but if we talked enough I’m sure you’d hear it. Not to mention trying to sleep with a basketball stuck to the front of you. Forget trying to roll over, you might actually bounce to the other side since it’s harder than any army-cornered bed. Screw bouncing a quarter they should try our bellies! Although I think mine feels more like a rock and it keeps trying to grow up toward my lungs. Umm, hello, I do need to breathe here! Oh, and so do the rest of my organs which are being squeezed to death! Now pregnant women have a simple reason for this, it’s called a baby. My excuse is called growing pains and they are something I used to laugh at my younger brother for having when he was growing to his 6’4”. I guess payback is hell! Growing pains were much easier when it was just my breasts because then I could just get excited that I was actually going to start looking like a girl.

Although pregnant women do have something I don’t at the moment – great hair and great skin. As we have discussed, my hair is lacking its former luster while pregnant women get this great Rapunzel effect. Not only that but they get this skin that’s like some porcelain doll. What do I get? I get flakes and scales like a fish out of water and wounds like I’ve been shot a million times by someone’s pellet gun. Gross!

Okay I do have one advantage, I can be done with this in a shorter period of time (hopefully) and they are stuck for at least 18 years. Now I know people will argue both sides with me but right now I just want this to be over…no soccer mom-to-be club for me. But thanks for the offer!