I Wanna Come Out and Play

I’m sorry but it’s one of those days again and I envy everyone who gets to live their lives. I want my life back and I want it now! Patience has never been a strong suit of mine – just ask my mother! And today is one of my days where I’ve hit my limits again. Don’t worry I’ll be back to normal again soon. I’m fairly good at controlling my feelings and getting through this crap but I just want to feel better for one day. That's all I'm asking - just one and then I can see this thing through.

Anyway, I feel like such a taker right now. I can’t do anything for anyone and all I do is call and say can you help me! Please I’d rather be the one getting the calls than me because that’s what I do best. I give and I hate to ask. I hate asking for help and it kills me and so far that’s all I get to do and everyday I get to do more and more of it. And then I get mad and just try to cut everyone off but then I realize that I can't because I need you all to help take care of me.

I’m so damn jealous of all of you who get to go to work and bitch about something other than being sick. Do you know how much I wish I could just say my boss is a jerk? Sit behind my computer and look stuff up other than the weather and boring news. I have had enough of the news and I’d rather be reading some boring email from IT at work about how our email system will be down for the next 24 hours for some unexplained reason. I want to not have time to get away from my desk for lunch and be stuck on conference calls. Sure you hate work but at least you get paid. I haven’t had any money in two months now and it isn’t going to be coming anytime soon. I want a damn paycheck.

I wanna read a book and recall what I’m reading more than two pages into it and remember where I left off the next day. I can’t even read a magazine because all the articles jumping from page to page confuse the hell out of me. It’s getting so that reading my bills and figuring out what comes next is confusing. If I’m lucky enough to get outside for lunch I can’t even decide what to have since the menus overwhelm me and I have to have someone else tell me what to get. I feel like someone’s little kid that has to be told to do everything!

I want to wear my “real” clothes. You know the ones with zippers and buttons and the sexy little tops with a nice jacket over top. I want to do my hair and feel pretty and have a manicure or pedicure without cringing because when someone touches me it hurts like hell. I’d give anything to look and feel like me just for five minutes!

I’m sick of planning when and where I get to go – like to the store for food or to the doctors. I have to have people take me everywhere I go and treat me like I’m some little kid. Trust me I know it’s needed and I appreciate more than anyone will ever know but right now, right this minute, I want my freedom to do exactly what I want how I want it. All I do revolves around being sick!

And now I have to get a roommate which will be the death of me. I seriously don’t want one and don’t want to be sick around some stranger who could give a rat’s ass if I feel good or not. And to top it off I have to “fake” that I’m okay to get one because who wants to live with a sick girl? All so I can try to save my life in NJ long enough to get surgery and get well to go back to work…even with a roommate I don’t know if that is going to happen. And what happens if I get some psycho who wants to take advantage of me while I’m sick in bed after surgery and can do nothing to keep them from stealing my stuff and taking over? I wish I was rich!

Trust me, I don’t want to be alone. I’d just like to do normal things with my friends and actually enjoy them…like going out for dinner and drinks or shopping and trying on some really great shoes. I’ll do anything that doesn’t have to do with this stupid disease and me being sick. It’s been about five and half months now and I’m going crazy! How about going for a run or to a class at the gym? Anything but having to sit here and be sick and watch everyone else live their lives!

I know this sounds horrible but I’m so jealous of you all! I just want one day where I don’t feel sick and then maybe I can keep going long enough to get this thing out of my head with a positive attitude.

I’m just sick of being sick. So I’m sorry if upset anyone. And if you think this is me being stupid I can’t help it – I’m allowed a day to get pissed and upset just like everyone else the only difference is what we get to bitch about.