Holding On

I know lately I've been a bit of a bummer and those who have been so great to me were probably feeling like I wasn't very appreciative but it's exactly the opposite. It’s just that the frustration and loneliness has been unbearable as of late and some days I wonder if I will make it through. And for those couple of people who are holding my hand - I can't say thanks enough.

Lately I've been very frustrated not only by this insanity but also by the people who say they care but don't do anything or say anything. I guess expecting people to do what I would is not realistic. While I would give anything to help my friends and family I can't expect the same in return. People do things for their own reasons and maybe some just can't handle what I'm going through. Or they just don't know what to do. Whatever the reason I need to count on me and stop worrying about others and what they would do – I’m not them.

A friend of mine told me once that I can’t expect people to do what I would because it only hurts me. And until now I guess I didn’t really understand what he meant. I know some days I can’t handle what is happening to me but since I’m living it I do not have much choice.

Today I had a great email conversation with someone who has been missing from my life for quite a while. It made me realize that I should try to hold onto what I do have that is good. And while that may not be much, I still have a couple of people who are putting up with my crap and trying to help even though they admit that they can't possibly understand. What matters is that they are there for me and aren’t asking me to change or telling me how to feel.

So for now, and for this moment, I'm trying to hold on to the couple of people and the few things I have left that make me want to fight this crap! And while I feel like it's not a lot it is better than being totally alone. I can’t focus on what I wish people would say or do because I am the one that gets hurt in the end. I just have to do what’s best for me and do it the best that I can for me – not anyone else! We’ll see how long that lasts…

And for those who are helping me hold on – THANKS!!! I know it’s not easy some days but thanks for letting me be me and just being there!

Okay, off to appreciate my cat who has been oh so supportive – as long as I feed him!