Primaries Are In...

Early Saturday morning I got a call telling me to come to the doctor early Monday morning as my results were in and he wanted to speak with me about them. Of course, he has his secretary all so I can ask no questions and am left wondering for the weekend. Since I can't drive or I should say can but feel unsafe driving in rush hour these days I picked a 10 o'clock time as it would clear up the roads and give me more space in case the news was bad.

All night I could not sleep. Tossing and turning and just plain odd dreams that kept me running at a pace way faster than normal. At this point anything is faster since getting off the bed and going to get a meal is energy enough for me to expend. My bed was a mess as I usually sleep in a ball and never toss the covers like a salad riding in the back of the car on the way to a family reunion.

With little sleep and my final dream leaving me in tears I guess you could say I was a mess on my way to the doctor. When I got there I could barely speak and obviously shaken. A nurse immediately put me in one of those famous sterile rooms that is nasty green and white. She left me there with the door open as I watched patients walk by my heart raced even faster with each one. The doc walked by and saw me on his way to see another patient...he stopped in the doorway and said would be right back and he would explain everything. I am not sure if he meant it as a comfort but it made me think even more. Anticipation is a bad thing when it comes to doctors offices. You think by now I would be used to it and able to do just about anything. I brought my book, iPod, and Nintendo DS to entertain me but my brain was swimming with thought and i could not finish a sentence or even understand the movie in front of my eyes.

A few moments laters he came back. the person before me only had allergies and he gave her a sample to try and to call back if she wanted a prescription. He must have not closed the door all the way since most people are not major cases that wanna hide. The doctor was very deliberate when he came in and shut the door. It seemed to slam as I sat there trying to focus on his mannerisms to detect any notion of what he would say next. He was slow and through in his description of the tests and his conversations with my other doctors (the surgeon, ultrasound tech and my primary care). He went through the biopsies one by one and since there were only two it took a long time as if they had done all 40 nodes...which we now know there are more. I guess the news is that I don't have tumors...just very enlarged lymph nodes that are spreading like race cars on a track. I started a month ago with three and now have at least a hundred from my clavicle bones up to my eyes. At the end of the test he told me I had some rare cells and they there looked to be some signs of lymphoma which would be my diagnosis. There is a one in a billion chance it would be a rare disease that is even more crazy and eventually causes much suffering and death since there is no cure so I wasn't sure which would be worse.

So anyway, it looks like lymphoma. I have to have a couple of more tests, CAT scans of my chest and abdominal cavity to see how far they have spread as well as deep tissue biopsies in my neck and face. He tried to gently explain I would have one surgery where my face would be flapped open on one side and that they would use nerve monitors and all the things they could possibly do to not leave me with a paralyzed face since the surgery is in such a sensitive spot. The other would leave me with a 4 - 5 inch cut in the other side of my neck to get at the others that would be able to tell them more information about the type and what treatments would work best. He doesn't want to scar a 33 year old face so we are waiting for one to pop out closer to the skin in the next two weeks and if not I will have surgery anyway. I will have both surgeries and likely some taken out of my chest and abs for additional biopsy. I'll still end up with a scarred face and he hopes that maybe chemo or radiation may shrink the nodes in my face, neck and head. Oh, did I mention that my hearing is at stake too?

It was a lot of news to digest and each day more comes. I am tired with illness and emotions so I am sure to add more to the story as it goes on or as my brain becomes less foggy with fear and confusion of how this can be happening to someone so young and supposed to be at their "fun time" in life.

In terms of fun, I ordered a game for my Nintendo to entertain me in the hospital and during my long docs waits so I am off to get it...more later folks.