My Head is Killing Me

Since last time I was kicked out of my old neurologists office for being late to an appointment that he was also late for I had to find a new one...same office but I have seen her before...besides he was only a fellow this year...to young to put my precious brain into. I see her on Wednesday to discuss the problems with my spine and brain since the old doc was kind enough to send me a letter telling me that I have severe problems on the horizon and need to see a doc ASAP. My head is killing me and people wonder why. I have one tumor in there as well as a couple of cervical spine errors meaning that there is an abnormal amount of fluid due to a blockage or nerve misfire. Which these docs can't seem to put two and two together to figure out that is why the entire body is in pain because I have abnormalities in my head straight down my spine,in my hip and god knows where else. They also mentioned my liver and lungs but that is another wait and see what to do.

So I am scared shit less for Thursday's appointment where they will cut both sides of my face an inch for a fine needle aspiration - which in a normal area of the body they would not but it is next to my facial motor nerve and could leave me paralyzed...all to see if there is cancer and what type or what horrible lymph infection/autoimmune I may have in combo with cancer or alone. So if they slip I will have a paralyzed face for the rest of my life. They will be checking the 40 plus masses in my neck and face with a neede after they shot me up with radioactive dye and use and ultrasound to see where they are going in my face. Apparently they are very deep and into the neck area where one swallows as well as thyroid and other glands in the area...no wonder I can't spit or swallow food well since they are throughout my master saliva glands too! No wonder it hurts and feels like a bowling ball and often swells to resemble one. Seriously my head and neck and face are so heavy feeling and heavy I want to just cut them off but instead I lay around in ice packs trying to keep the swelling and fluid pressures down (blood, spinal and cerebral).

I have been sick for days and can't keep food in and what I do does not stay for long. Not only am I sick physically, I am emotionally and physically drained and unable to cope with this as I have been in the past. My strength in both areas is weakening and I am getting sick more frequent than usual. What's a girl to do?

Each day I battle the headaches as this thing drags on and the stress form the docs who have not clue what they are doing and the stress of surgery where i can be paralyzed are not things that make the headaches go away. The stresses of life add to it and my head is about to explode...ad you wonder why I have headaches...except now I can not afford my special meds so they are even greater...I am not sure which is greater the fear I have about Thursday or the fear of not knowing for sure what it going on with my body or being afraid of not being able to afford and take th medications and treatments that help...and tehy say American has a good healthcare system to help people in need...my ass!