Why Me?

A thousand times since I have found out I was ill, diseased, or whatever it is that plagues me, I have asked myself "why me?" I think every one who is sick or has a chronic illness asks why and search for reasons as to why we "drew the sick card in the deck of life." And not just the card that changes you for a bit the kind that changes you to the core and for the rest of your life.

Over the past few years I have come to a place in my illness where I can see I did nothing wrong or to deserve this. And recently they told me it was genetic so I know there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening, I can't go have my entire body removed or altered in anyway like some diseases. Finding that out has made living with a chronic illness easier to accept but I don't know if I will ever believe that people can be so judgmental and harsh to those who are impaired in anyway. I hate to make this sort of comparison but it basically feels like you are coming out of the closet and telling people you are gay or in an interracial relationship (any lifestyle that still requires some degree of social acceptance from those around you - some do and some don't accept you) each time you tell someone or correct them on why you look or act the way you do. There are still days when one wants to be like everyone else or so called "normal." It is these obstacles that drive us to ask the question as to why we deserve this and what did I do in life or in a previous one.

I try to remember I didn't ask for this and I do not deserve this disease but sometimes it sneaks up on you like a cat after a mouse. Since my roof fell in my cat has been chasing bugs all over...I think he has lost weight…anyway I digress. One moment you will have a "sweat" attack in the line at the grocery store or drive somewhere and realize you can not drive or walk home because of the pain and exhaustion that overcame you during the outing. You need to plan every minute of your day and determine if you think today will be one of those days that reminds you that you are sick. Often the question arises during these times when one is reminded of the fact they will never be fully "normal" again.

Once the frustration and anger settle in there is not much you can do but ask why except cry a few tears and then pick yourself up and dust off the bunnies that have accumulated from my lack of energy to clean as much as I used too. During times like this it is best to just let it out, go for a walk, hug a pillow and meditate your way out of it and remind yourself that you are strong and brave and that most people would not last five minutes in your life. You also need to reach out to others like you for a reminder that you are not alone and that there are others who truly understand. I know there are a handful of people in my life who are not sick that try to understand but they never have to ask themselves why like my fellow chronic illness patients. I appreciate their trying but sometimes all you need is space and to be allowed to feel how you do - a simple hug and I love you are all we need to know you care.

Oh well, attached is a link to an article recently printed by The New York Times about a woman with cancer that I thought summarized "why me?"