New Year's Resolutions

Well it is now 2007 and things are pretty much the same as I last left you and a few more medical issues have arisen that need to be addressed. Some of you know the whole story and some do not as I have stopped writing the whole story here because frankly I am sick of telling it. That and I have noticed people are not as supportive as they used to be because they want to pretend that life is fine and perfect for me. However, that is not the truth and is far from it. But I won't bore you with all the details since I am very angry right now about the lack of support and help from the people who promised to stick it out. I wish each of you could just live a day in my life to see what I go through and then maybe you would live and be more compassionate.

I don't want your pity just some understanding that there are times I need to talk and times I just need a hug. And most times I can just hang out and be me. If you listened to my story than you might even appreciate how much it takes for me to put a "face" on for you so you don't feel uncomfortable. I’m sick of that face! It actually makes me more sick. The stress and energy it takes to put the face on makes all of my symptoms worse. If people allowed me the 15 minutes of explaining where things stand and a hug then they would know I can move on to talking about something other than what is going on – if you don’t want to know don’t ask but do not expect me to sit here and pretend life is perfect everyday. I’m allowed to have a bad day too.

Anyway, you should have seen the faces of those who had no clue as to my status when they saw me over the holidays - they were completely confused and almost hid from me and withdrew. I guess they hadn’t heard that the surgery created complications and that things were still going on with me. Especially when I was trying so hard; no naps, no flashing medication, no asking for anything special. I just wanted to not wear that “face.” It was quite surprising the people who came forward with support and those who acted like I had leprosy. It was just the opposite of the people I expected. I promise you can’t catch me! You all broke my heart. And yes, I understand that it is hard for you to see me this way but I don’t ask for anything from you except that we are friends and family like before all of this.

So if I have been withdrawn from people it is because the last month has been horrible and I am sick of putting on the “face.” The people who had been supportive have gotten tired I guess. When I am around they act like I am not sick or sometimes not even standing or sitting right next to them. Well guess how tired I am? I would rather hang out by myself and strangers than have to pretend I am something I am not…I refuse to hide all of this anymore. I am smart, strong and can do a lot if people let me be me and not have to constantly wear the face which makes me sick on a physical level as well as breaks my heart. Well I congrats, my heart is broken.

Right now my life is hard and that is a fact I can not change; only one I can deal with – can you?

So my resolution for 2007 is to be the best me I can be while dealing with more than anyone usually does when they live to 100. My other one is to be the best friend/family I can to you if you are the best you can be to me. Neither of us should have to go it alone at times like these. What’s your resolution?