Weight & Anger Issues

So I am back to cashmere and yoga pants...well not the cashmere as I am trying to save the expensive sweaters for when I return to my "normal" body (not a huge belly and out of proportion). Actually I bought them when I was starting to grow - as in Cushing's grow so they will fit if I start to shrink again.

The sad part is they are getting very worn out and not fitting...I can't believe I shrunk to a size 10 and am now back to my 14 - I know many people think that a size 12/14 is not big but when you start a disease as a size four that is a lot of growth. People will criticize me for complaining about my weight and size but honestly I could handle being this size if I was proportionate and could wear a normal outfit. I don't really need a 14 but my stomach does. The rest of me - minus the boobs and belly could wear a size 8 or medium - I can fit my legs and arms in them but buttoning them is beyond laying on the bed and tugging. You know where you lay down and scream and pull and hope your man does not notice that they look painted on or that you don't get a muffin top...lol. Money prohibits me from buying new yoga pants and jeans because I can't even afford toilet paper right now...somethings are more important but I know one day I will have nice clothes that fit again.

I have to applaud Tyra Banks for the People Magazine article- even though I have not been able to read the piece for standing up for an average size woman - not all of us will be a size four. And I may not be as curvy and sexy as her but it makes it a little easier for me to deal with this disease and what it did to my body. My man laughs because my boobs are the same as Tyra Banks' but my waist is not nearly as small - Cushing's does that to you no matter what you eat - I don't eat for many reasons. Hey, she has bigger hips - I'll trade my middle for hers any day...maybe one day I can appreciate my curves if thy turn into hers - even if I am never a size four again. Who needs a size four - there is something sexy about nice breasts, waist, hips and other curves...it means you are a woman and trust me there are days I have the attitude to pull it off.

Right now I find it hard sometimes to find the courage to go outside because of the way I look with my large middle and round red face because of the Cush but I also put myself on national cable to prove a point (see TLC Cover shot photos). I am strong no matter what the outside looks like and how my body looks. Sometimes I just need some help reminding me and this recent article reminds me that I still am smart, funny, sexy, and a hundred other things than just someone with Cushing's.

I, for one, am glad Tyra gained the weight - I wish she would stop doing shows on getting thinner but we all can't be perfect all of the time. I think she does a lot of shows on being proud of yourself but I think her article and show would have more credibility if it focused on being healthy not skinny - she always makes comments about wanting to trim her curves during the shows where she tries to make women into healthy eaters and exercisers - this is not in line with what she said about her 30 pounds - perhaps she can change that part of her show. I actually adore her and think she is someone who will make a change in how women see themselves She just needs to make sure that she doesn't slip on her show and make a health issue one about being skinny - the skinny factor. Maybe one day my Cushie friends and I will be on her show - you never know.

Anyway, my anger towards "friends" is growing because they have stopped trying to help or cope with my illness. They make comments like - gee you look different - well duh, I had brain and thoracic surgery and may be having a recurrence or just a problem recovering from the original surgery. You would know if you called or made an effort. I'll find out soon as I am having another MRI of my head soon. Leave me alone and compliment me for the things that are good about me - it is people like you that make me want to hide in my house. I can't go run a mile and some days I still have to rest the day away but sometimes I think it is because people criticize others like Tyra and myself because we don't look "perfectly size two or four."

So, I have posted some other pics from the Cover Shot shoot to show some of them make me look hot and others not so...that was hard to do. I am sad the show got canceled because I think TLC could have taken more people like me who have no control over their bodies because of disease and sow them that people do think they are beautiful outside as well as inside - I have hundreds of emails to prove that they loved my segment and found courage and strength from it. I didn't do the show for me - it was to help others with a disease that makes them look weird. And it worked even if it was only for a few days.

I am putting a picture up in my room to remind me of the strength the picture displayed and that I still possess even though my battle is not over and will not be over for the rest of my life - but life goes on! And I will continue to fight my battle...whether you support me or not is your choice...some of you say you do but let's face it you lie...I appreciate those who do and try to help. It's like someone who had cancer and lost their hair - they look different and people can't cope so friends walk away...I have a disease, like cancer, that will come and go throughout my life but it does not stop me from living and working to the best of my ability.

Some of you have no seen me in months and don't know my physical limitations? Do you support me in anyway? Many of you still can't cope with this disease but you don't have to I do! So suck up the fact I do not look like my size four and come over - call - anything. Perhaps Tyra and I should become friends because obviously people are shallow and can't get beyond our physical attributes.

My attitude is positive but you wouldn't know as a friend because you have stopped helping and making calls to see how things are and I can only feel that part of it is because I am no longer a size four or the same person as before. I save my positive energy and attitude for the people who do support me. I can't make you get beyond the fat I am not a size four and that my lifestyle has changed...I am still the same person regardless and sometimes even better and more grounded. I'm still coping, obviously you stopped, which makes me angry...like I said yesterday in my blog...what re you doing to help others and yourself...anything positive?