Feelin' Cushy

I'm trying to stay positive and not punch people when they say I look good after the last surgery but right now I'm feeling very "cushy." I guess that means that I'm cycling my moods very quickly, one minute I want to cry and the other punch someone or something. It's very frustrating because people want me to say I feel good because it makes them feel better and like this last surgery is progress but right now I feel like the exorcist. Granted I haven't caught my head flying around in circles but I'm having a hard time keeping it together when all these people say things to me like "you look good so you must be feeling better." And I know they mean well but that's not how I feel. That tumor in my chest has nothing to do with Cushing's and probably has only made me feel worse right now instead of better because of the stress to my body. But no one wants to hear that I feel like crap or just want to cry...and I can't say I want to either but it's how I feel. And then I feel worse because I'm frustratedd with people saying things that aren't true and trying not to disagree too much because I don't need to piss people off.

I feel like there is a race going on insude my body with all this cortisol. Like every organ is on overdrive and my heart is beating like a hummingbird. Not exactly a comfortable and relaxing feeling for someone who "looks good." Umm, hello people I've gained 60 pounds and I don't look or feel good so stop trying to be polite. I know you mean well but it's not helping me to lie to my face...just say nothing because then at least I know it's real. That and the fact you'll stop pushing your feelings and what you wish upon me...I'm not you and this is hell. Do you honestly think I like feeling like this...all tight and wound up like a ball of string about to break? Please I can't wait till the day you can all say things and I know they are true. But until then just call and tell me stories about you or stop and tell me something interesting that happened to you...the last thing I want to be focused on is me.

Okay, off to get some air...