Confusion: The Conflict of Positive Attitudes and Reality

So this weekend I focused on doing things that I like to do with a positive attitude. And while there were moments that I didn't feel so well or got slightly upset it was fairly good overall. It's hard to sit there and try to be normal while wondering if your life will ever be that way again. Will you ever fit back in your normal clothes and will your skin and hair bounce back from the terror they have become? But at other times I blushed because the strange ticket man at the movies paid me a compliment on my smile. Not sure it should be a compliment coming from someone who checks you in with all sorts of unusual sounds like he swallowed a slot machine. But I'll take it. At this point I feel I've lost all parts of my sex appeal and even any sort of remote attractiveness that was once there.

I even made an attempt to attend a party this weekend. Which would have been a big step since I don’t let people see me now and people who know me don’t recognize me. How horrible is it that people whom you've known for years all of a sudden don't recognize you. It's a tad embarrassing and hurtful at the same time. But have no fear, none of my clothes fit over my bulging stomach. Yeah sure I could wear my jeans on my legs and low-rise are in fashion but I think leaving the zipper and button open is a little too low for me. So I nixed the party idea. Maybe someone should throw a pretend you're pregnant party or a sports party because then maybe I could fit in. So I stayed home secluded from the world and the humiliation of putting myself out there for more questions and comments behind the back.

I never knew what it was like to be fat. I always felt bad for people who were a little overweight as long as they didn't constantly bitch about it and do nothing. They would complain of stares and people not servicing them as well and now that has become my reality. It's amazing how superficial this world is. It was something I encountered even when sitting in a nearby café to have some lunch or when I stand in line to get a cup of coffee…I don’t usually talk about this since people think I’m imagining it but for those of you who have experienced it, you have my sympathy and my apologies for being so ignorant in the past.

So anyway, I continued my weekend and focused on movies so I could pretend to be living someone's life that isn't mine. That works fairly well except the moment I have to walk out of the theater and the stairs remind me of my current state as I huff and puff trying to get up them, and as 80 year old women pass me.

So I had high hopes that today would be better. I was so excited to go and get my hair done. I guess, hoping that the stylist would be able to breathe some life into a mess that I call my hair. No such luck. Even after cutting off six inches it still was lifeless and dry, something my hair has never been. My hairstylist even commented at how thin and dry it was becoming and so unlike my normal hair that he was a bit worried about my health - since your hair shows signs of poor health. His gentle comments weren't meant to hurt but for the first time ever I felt as though I might lose it and cry in the chair. As reality set in and the dreams of having glamorous hair once again were torn from my imagination. It should be noted that I am known for changing my hair and chopping it off and all sorts of other weird stuff. Anyway, he calmly stated that we would do our best until it returned to its usual state. And again I sat and wondered if I would ever be normal again as the reality was thrown back at me.

I guess if we look at the bright side the weekend offered me a compliment and the new hair cut helps to hide the growing lack of neck. I just wish it could hide me from reality for a day or two as I could use a much needed vacation.

Okay, back to try and save my positive attitude and hope that reality can stay away for the rest of the day...hopefully the snow will keep people and reality away all while coating us with a new canvas to start over on...