Reclaiming the Fire

I don’t know when I started allowing my life to live me but Sagittarians are well known for the fire the hold within. A Sagittarian, a true fire sign, is someone who lives their life to the fullest over coming any obstacle life throws their way. They love the most and they live life with a passion. I guess that means we hurt the most too! Anyway, somewhere along the line I let this disease or fiasco start living me…well watch out because tonight as I lay here wondering what else can possibly happen to me in this terrible journey I realized that I have lost myself and it’s about time that that fiery Dulcie came back.

I once asked my Mother why she thought I was the kid who never needed help and she said that it was because I was the “kid who no matter how hard I fell would always pull myself up even higher than from where I started.” In every job I ever held I was the employee who was passionate. In every sport I played I was the “heart” player never quitting just because the game was going badly. So don’t ask me why I let this stupid disease start taking me for the ride.

As I sit here and write every muscle in my body hurts and my thoughts are not exactly as clear as they were before this all began. But I know I have to fight this and gather the fire within to defeat it just like everything else I have beat in my life. For those of you who don’t know, my life was never that of the charmed. More like that of the severely unlucky but somehow I always made it work and had a life of success. A fabulous job, a number of friends and lovers who have come and gone from my life but always a desire to keep moving to show everyone I was someone.

And of course along that uncharmed life there were times when I would stumble and find it hard to go on but somehow I always found that fire to make it better. To fix it all. I didn’t just fix my life I fixed everyone’s life if they needed it and I could do it. And then one day I just get sick of feeling like crap and decide that I’m going to do whatever it takes to regain that fire within. Allow my true Dulcie to do what she does best – survive and succeed.

So no matter how much pain I have tomorrow (or I should say today) I am going to wake up and start reclaiming that life. I’ve decided I deserve better than this hand that has been dealt to me and so does my body. While I probably can’t fix this tumor in my head I can probably take more control over the things I can.

My commitments to myself:

· Eat better - go back to being a “veggie”…besides the animals of this world aren’t’ agreeing with me since this whole thing started; a result of the disease or not? I’m not quite sure but my stomach felt a lot better without the animals.

· Workout – no matter how much it hurts or how tired I am I need to preserve the body that’s going to take me through the rest of my life. You just watch, soon I’ll be running again and you’ll all be fighting to keep up with me!

· Stand up for myself – I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they resolve this thing in my head, that I get my fair share of disability and other payments. If that means exposing people who do wrong than so be it.

· Eliminate waste – get rid of all the people in my life who aren’t supportive; who needs people around to collect dust and bring them down? I’ll get rid of all those obstacles from my past that held me down and continue to today.

· Allow myself to feel – you know in the past I was always afraid of showing people I cared or hurt or needed things but all I ever ended up doing was hurting myself. So I’ll cry if I want to and fight if I feel like it; all this suppression sucks!

· Focus on creativity – I was told several times by a number of people to use my talents in the arts to help me during the rough spots, I guess it’s time I put them to use…

· Relax – each day I’m going to make time where I don’t think about being sick or the struggles that I face and just breathe.

· Dream – remember how to dream and make them happen. Somewhere in all of this I forgot what it’s like to want something and make it happen.

And I’m sure this list will get longer. While I’m not sure I should push myself as hard as I’d like…too bad! This is my life and I’d rather die trying to beat this disease than continue sitting here and taking it.

I know that at times in this struggle to regain my fire I will probably slip and fall because of this disease and all that it has thrown at me. Your job, should you choose to accept it – SUPPORT! No matter if I’m having a sad day or a mad day you will all need to be there just to support me – no questions, just someone to listen. There is no more room in my life for people who feel they have the right to tell me how I feel and how I should be handling all this so leave your judgments at the door or else let it hit you in the ass.

Okay, if I’m going to accomplish all this and reclaim my fire, my Sagittarianism, it looks like I’ll need some sleep. I’m so excited I am not sure I will be able to sleep but off I go. Good night!