Two Days Till Surgery...
It's been over a month now since I knew I was going to have surgery and three weeks since it got moved which has left me with too much time to think about the consequences. Honestly I never usually get this nervous but right now I am sick with fear. I keep thinking what will happen if my face turns out paralyzed or I have cancer or if my brain tumor grows even more and surgery has to happen soon for that one...
I have tried to prepare for the worst but now they have given me too long to sit and think about it. I like to know the worst so when I wake up I won't be stunned if it happens but then it also makes me think too much since I was given too much notice of when this would happen and then it was moved. Moving a surgery is so not fair to a patient and it just makes the preparation mentally and emotionally hard for the next date you are scheduled for later.
At night I have nightmares about the possibilities of paralysis, losing my teeth or an eye and having to live with a big drain sticking out my neck forever and obviously some worse ones that I don't want to think about now. Then I worry about losing people around me because the surgery makes me more dependent on them or they are grossed out by my appearance. I can't afford to lose much more. And yes I am staying positive but the length of this has made me lose it more frequently than normal...I just can't get it out of my head - literally. :-) I try to stay upbeat but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe thinking about it all.
I woke up this morning and felt a bit sick. I have a fever and a sore throat as well as some vomiting and if it does not leave by tomorrow I will not be having surgery. I am not sure if it is a real sickness or one of stress. But for now I will just rest the first half of the day and drink fluids. Hopefully I feel better later and can do the errands I need to before I go into the hospital. With my parents coming tomorrow I am not sure if I will have time or the energy. I would also like to have a nice meal that I don't have to cook for my dinner since I will not know when I can have solid food again. Most likely not until a week or more has passed.
Well, I am going back to rest and do some breathing exercises and meditation for a positive outcome...talk to you all in a bit. I am sure I will be back before surgery and I will try to post as soon as I can after, not sure when but it may be a couple of days.
Fingers crossed...
2 Comments:
I'm rooting for you!
Kate, friend of Padma's
Thanks Kate! The more well wishes the better I feel! Thanks for writing and any friend of Padma's is a friend of mine. :-)
Stay well!
--Dulcie
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