Lights at the End of Tunnels?

Note: this may be a strange entry but I’m in a strange mood…

If the past few years have taught me anything it is this...lights at the end of tunnels do exist but only if we believe they do. Having and learning to believe are tasks which are hard to learn as well as teach. While I have learned a lot about myself I have also learned a lot about others during my process – which, for those of you catching up, is two plus years now – not to mention the car accident, pneumonia, mother’s brain tumor, grandmother’s cancer, etc. which all occurred in the past few years.

I have learned there are people who like me, get lost in the tunnel sometimes and lose hope of a light but manage to find it again. I guess we are the “light-seekers.” And then, there are those who wish to stay in the tunnel and refuse to believe in a light at the end because they had a bad day. The “light” resides in us. Light at the end of the tunnel does not have to be a religious belief but can be an act of having faith in something bigger than yourself or in just being you. We all have the ability to find the light, it is just a matter of whether we want to find it and can wait out the bad times. Even when things are dark you may catch a glimmer of light and you have to believe that the glimmer will become something bigger and brighter. Or at least I believe you need to because otherwise you can smother yourself in the darkness – some would call this depression, I call it laziness.

Time is the enemy when you get lost in a tunnel because it tests your strength and endurance through hard times. It is hard to sit and wait to see the light but it helps to take action and find your own light. Sometimes it helps to take action in tasks that benefit you. For me, it is helping others with rare diseases learn how to communicate and get help as well as to believe in themselves when all else fails. I am a member of several support and advocacy groups and when my day looks dark I try to reach out and find someone to help. Although I have been so active many people find me and ask for help…it gives you a feeling of importance when you feel like there is nothing you can do to change life. I guess it goes with that old saying – “if you smile at the world it will smile back.”

There are a few who I allow to get close enough to me to see during the “breakdowns.” They may get frustrated when I decide I have had enough but they know it is only a momentary thing and I will eventually find the light at the end of the tunnel once again. Hey, I am allowed to be human and have bad days too right!? So I pass my time trying to help others.

See, I am not completely selfless, as it may seem in some of these passages, or self-confidant beyond most, but I have a vested interest in helping myself through others. I guess you could call it “using” people but what does it hurt if I help them too? One of my friends recently told me she thought I was very confidant and I replied by telling her I am really not and it is all an act so others feel better and find the light in their lives. Not that I lack confidence, but I am definitely not someone who finds myself to be flawless. I have a ton of flaws; I just choose to hide or ignore most of them.

Recently I had some blood tests come back looking like I may be experiencing a recurrence. I can tell you during that day and week I felt lost in the tunnel and wanted to stop trying to find my way out. And then this morning I went for additional tests to see if I really am “sick” again or just having problems. I saw the sun and felt it’s warmth on my skin…I decided today was the day I had found my light again. While I do not relish the thought of battling Cushing’s again then at least I will go down being a person looking for light in the tunnel instead of wandering lost. Hopefully I would inspire others with their own personal battles along the way. I may not always enjoy fighting this damn disease – darkness looms - I know deep within myself I have the ability to find the light. We can not rely on others to give us the light all the time and we often have to dig deep. We can get help finding the light in the tunnel; however, we need to believe in ourselves the most.

Now I have the knowledge I lacked before and a network of support unlike any I have experienced in my life. Most of this support is not from life-long friends or family but from new friends and virtual friends who don’t know the “Dulcie” before Cushing’s and still love me anyway. Some of these people I have never even spoken to on the phone or seen in person. By working with them and helping others I was able to pull myself out of the dark tunnel and see the hope of a bright future. It may not be one I chose for myself or one I dreamed of but it is mine and I plan on making the best of it. And, if I help a few of them along the way it is an even greater gift.

Basically I guess it comes down to this, are you a “light-finder” or someone who hides in darkness losing hope? Perhaps you need to take sometime to evaluate your life and yourself to find out who you are – and hopefully it will not take illness or tragedy to get you there. There are lights at the end of tunnels…even the Lincoln Tunnel in NYC during rush hour – it is just a matter of time!