The Cushie In Me

I've been up all night again and my heart has been racing up over a hundred lying down. I feel as if I may have a heart atttack and my mind has a million thoughts all swimming around. Tears sit on the edge of my eyes waiting for me to ball but I have no reason and I'm trying not to because feel silly crying for no reason. I just don't know what to do, I guess I'm having a total "cushie" moment today and for the past few. All I want to do is lay down and rest without feeling like I can't breathe or that the world is swallowing me whole. Maybe it's the impending surgery but I don't really think so since my thoughts range from TV programs I have been watching to things I have no idea about. Almost like hallucinations. But I don't remember things from one minute to the next which lends to even greater confusion.

Other cushies I have found didn't all get better, what if that happens to me? I'm trying to be positive but hen you sit on the verge of tears what is one to think? Every muscle in my body hurts and it's supposed to get up to 100+ today with the heat index which means I'm going to be feeling even worse...I hate to think how many tears I'll shed today and how many embarrassing moments I'll have because I fly off in a rage or forget what I'm doing or where I am.

Thank god for spell check since right now I can't even type or put into words my thoughts and feelings which is frustrating since this is what I used to be good at and do for a living. Everyone tells me to relax but obviously they have never had Cushing's...it's worse than 20 anxiety attacks at once and you have no control. I used to be able to tell people how I felt or write in a diary with my words and now I can barely put a sentence together. It has taken me 20 minutes to write this much and my brain feels fried.

My blood pressure is slightly elevated and my heart rate jumps all over. I hate to think what it would be if I actually moved today if it's already at 100 just lying there. Yet I sit here and think that if I punched a wall or beat the crap out of someone it may let it all come out. Or maybe if I just cut myself it would all leak out....see these are the strange and dangerous thoughts one has while they have Cushing's. You could slice yourself open without realizing it and end up in the hospital all confused because someone finds you lying there. Yet the part of your brain that still works keeps fighting with the irrational "cushie" side in a battle of good over evil and feels as if it's losing.

It's graduation weekend and while others are celebrating life and moving to the next chapter I'm worrying abut whether I'll make it though today. I know that I will but it's such a struggle yet people say the stupidest things because they don't understand or think that you are exaggerating when really you couldn't possibly make this up and since you can't explain it you really aren't telling them half the story.

You can feel it growing like a mutant virus for which there is no cure and no way to slow down. It's eatting your mind and screwing with your heart. And people say dating sucks! The adrenaline/cortisol in my body feels like the Daytona 500 (or whatever that race is since I don't like racing) or what it would feel like to watch your sister or best friend violated with nothing you can do.

I guess that's just the Cushie in me...