Weight & Anger Issues

So I am back to cashmere and yoga pants...well not the cashmere as I am trying to save the expensive sweaters for when I return to my "normal" body (not a huge belly and out of proportion). Actually I bought them when I was starting to grow - as in Cushing's grow so they will fit if I start to shrink again.

The sad part is they are getting very worn out and not fitting...I can't believe I shrunk to a size 10 and am now back to my 14 - I know many people think that a size 12/14 is not big but when you start a disease as a size four that is a lot of growth. People will criticize me for complaining about my weight and size but honestly I could handle being this size if I was proportionate and could wear a normal outfit. I don't really need a 14 but my stomach does. The rest of me - minus the boobs and belly could wear a size 8 or medium - I can fit my legs and arms in them but buttoning them is beyond laying on the bed and tugging. You know where you lay down and scream and pull and hope your man does not notice that they look painted on or that you don't get a muffin top...lol. Money prohibits me from buying new yoga pants and jeans because I can't even afford toilet paper right now...somethings are more important but I know one day I will have nice clothes that fit again.

I have to applaud Tyra Banks for the People Magazine article- even though I have not been able to read the piece for standing up for an average size woman - not all of us will be a size four. And I may not be as curvy and sexy as her but it makes it a little easier for me to deal with this disease and what it did to my body. My man laughs because my boobs are the same as Tyra Banks' but my waist is not nearly as small - Cushing's does that to you no matter what you eat - I don't eat for many reasons. Hey, she has bigger hips - I'll trade my middle for hers any day...maybe one day I can appreciate my curves if thy turn into hers - even if I am never a size four again. Who needs a size four - there is something sexy about nice breasts, waist, hips and other curves...it means you are a woman and trust me there are days I have the attitude to pull it off.

Right now I find it hard sometimes to find the courage to go outside because of the way I look with my large middle and round red face because of the Cush but I also put myself on national cable to prove a point (see TLC Cover shot photos). I am strong no matter what the outside looks like and how my body looks. Sometimes I just need some help reminding me and this recent article reminds me that I still am smart, funny, sexy, and a hundred other things than just someone with Cushing's.

I, for one, am glad Tyra gained the weight - I wish she would stop doing shows on getting thinner but we all can't be perfect all of the time. I think she does a lot of shows on being proud of yourself but I think her article and show would have more credibility if it focused on being healthy not skinny - she always makes comments about wanting to trim her curves during the shows where she tries to make women into healthy eaters and exercisers - this is not in line with what she said about her 30 pounds - perhaps she can change that part of her show. I actually adore her and think she is someone who will make a change in how women see themselves She just needs to make sure that she doesn't slip on her show and make a health issue one about being skinny - the skinny factor. Maybe one day my Cushie friends and I will be on her show - you never know.

Anyway, my anger towards "friends" is growing because they have stopped trying to help or cope with my illness. They make comments like - gee you look different - well duh, I had brain and thoracic surgery and may be having a recurrence or just a problem recovering from the original surgery. You would know if you called or made an effort. I'll find out soon as I am having another MRI of my head soon. Leave me alone and compliment me for the things that are good about me - it is people like you that make me want to hide in my house. I can't go run a mile and some days I still have to rest the day away but sometimes I think it is because people criticize others like Tyra and myself because we don't look "perfectly size two or four."

So, I have posted some other pics from the Cover Shot shoot to show some of them make me look hot and others not so...that was hard to do. I am sad the show got canceled because I think TLC could have taken more people like me who have no control over their bodies because of disease and sow them that people do think they are beautiful outside as well as inside - I have hundreds of emails to prove that they loved my segment and found courage and strength from it. I didn't do the show for me - it was to help others with a disease that makes them look weird. And it worked even if it was only for a few days.

I am putting a picture up in my room to remind me of the strength the picture displayed and that I still possess even though my battle is not over and will not be over for the rest of my life - but life goes on! And I will continue to fight my battle...whether you support me or not is your choice...some of you say you do but let's face it you lie...I appreciate those who do and try to help. It's like someone who had cancer and lost their hair - they look different and people can't cope so friends walk away...I have a disease, like cancer, that will come and go throughout my life but it does not stop me from living and working to the best of my ability.

Some of you have no seen me in months and don't know my physical limitations? Do you support me in anyway? Many of you still can't cope with this disease but you don't have to I do! So suck up the fact I do not look like my size four and come over - call - anything. Perhaps Tyra and I should become friends because obviously people are shallow and can't get beyond our physical attributes.

My attitude is positive but you wouldn't know as a friend because you have stopped helping and making calls to see how things are and I can only feel that part of it is because I am no longer a size four or the same person as before. I save my positive energy and attitude for the people who do support me. I can't make you get beyond the fat I am not a size four and that my lifestyle has changed...I am still the same person regardless and sometimes even better and more grounded. I'm still coping, obviously you stopped, which makes me angry...like I said yesterday in my blog...what re you doing to help others and yourself...anything positive?

Magic or The Power of Positive Thinking?

In today's New York Times there was an article "Do You Believe in Magic?" As many of my readers know, I believe that the universe provides us what we need. And, there are times where I have sought our energy healing to help me cope with this horrible disease. The article debates the reality of magic and the power of positive thinking which makes a person believe something can or will happen. And while I personally believe the article was unbalanced - there were no interviews with energy healers or others who partake in such activities - I kept thinking "does it really matter?"

Does it really matter if we think we are going to get better where it comes from? Many of us do partake in rituals everyday by putting on socks and then our pants because that is how we do things and it makes sense to us. But is it magical? And if one day we change our routine; will our life collapse because we broke the spell? I know many of us who are sick will try just about anything to get better. I have read and practiced many forms of so called magic - mediation, healing rituals, etc. and from those I have found strength and positive reinforcement that I will get better. Do I think it is positive thinking that provides me this sense of achieving health? Not really, since I just believe that it can't hurt and there are greater forces than I can even imagine out there trying to help me - and also hurt me. What I can tell you is that when I do not partake in my mediation or other energy rituals I feel crappy. Regardless, I still believe the universe gives me what I need to maintain a positive attitude even when times are tough and these "rituals" do not seem to be working. Where does it come from; I do not know. I do not have a religious faith so it is not a denial of this faith or a participation in it that makes me believe things will work out> I just know at this moment in time they are damn hard on every level - health, financially, and emotionally. So where does it come from?

Since I also try to employ the tactics of positive thinking and they often fail as well - do I blame my failure to have enough positive thoughts for my demise?

It is not easy to wake up everyday wondering if you will be healthy or sick or have a new tumor or any number of struggles a Cushing's patient faces. But I believe in the power of positive thinking and that the universe will help me as much as it thinks I need it. I come across others with my same thinking and practices - we all laugh and try to help each other along - I do believe they came to my life through the universe. And because they were brought to me I have a stronger belief in positive thinking. They help me and I help them with the "down days" and those where it is hard to pick myself up.

One recent friend in my life is Trisha, and she and I are a force to be reckoned with because we laugh at our disease and try to do our best to help others and stay positive. We also are trying to start a foundation which rewards like minded patients...it's just in the beginning but I believe the power of positive thinking in any form deserves reward - especially when it is in our condition or a form of severe hardship. I know one day we will receive that gift and some days I believe we already have - is it because we meditate or because we are positive spirits - I do not know and do not care! It's still a gift.

And then there are others who I know walk away and wish I was not this sick or could be the "old" Sweetfightgirl or the "old" Trisha. We both like ourselves now and why should we change. I do believe their negative thoughts toward us do us harm - maybe not harm itself but they do not help us heal. I hate to list the family and friends that fall in this area as it reminds me of all I have lost and I prefer to think of what I have ahead of me. Which is kind of hard when so many people say - oh my she was sick, can she do work again? Or never call and then still call me their friends and when I am fully better I know they will want something from them...hell, they already do. These are negative energies and I am trying to block them from me - through rituals and what some call magic and others still call positive thinking. Whatever category I know that my thinking and those who support me are the most important.

So do you believe in positive thinking, or magic, or rituals? And which will you use to help yourself? And even more, what will you use to help people in your life like me who are sick and need help...which will you employ? Will you say hello and send positive wishes my way or will you walk away or wish I would go away until things are the way they were? Which are you? What will you do if you don't know me and have someone in your life that is like me - will you turn your back or do the right thing and help with positive thinking, magic and rituals...or maybe it is all reliant on a smile not anything more but a simple smile and warm wishes...perhaps they have more healing power than one thinks.

And as far as the studies at Harvard and Yale, etc. - where are the people who are sick and what they believe gets them through? Do they think we should not be included because we are fighting and will hold on to anything - which would make us dreamers and positive thinkers and nothing else - right? Have they even considered the ramifications of those around us and the influence (negative or positive) they have on us feeling better one day versus another. Perhaps you should think about who you are and where your thinking lies...are you hurting yourself? Others? Or is your apathy not helping anyone?

I believe in magic, positive thinking and that if I put good out into the universe it will come back to me - and this is after almost three years of being seriously ill! Perhaps you should think about other people and yourself; about how your thoughts could effect whoever they run into as they travel throughout the universe.

I ask you one last time - is your magic, thinking, or ritual helping or hurting yourself or others? Maybe you should think about it...

New Year's Resolutions

Well it is now 2007 and things are pretty much the same as I last left you and a few more medical issues have arisen that need to be addressed. Some of you know the whole story and some do not as I have stopped writing the whole story here because frankly I am sick of telling it. That and I have noticed people are not as supportive as they used to be because they want to pretend that life is fine and perfect for me. However, that is not the truth and is far from it. But I won't bore you with all the details since I am very angry right now about the lack of support and help from the people who promised to stick it out. I wish each of you could just live a day in my life to see what I go through and then maybe you would live and be more compassionate.

I don't want your pity just some understanding that there are times I need to talk and times I just need a hug. And most times I can just hang out and be me. If you listened to my story than you might even appreciate how much it takes for me to put a "face" on for you so you don't feel uncomfortable. I’m sick of that face! It actually makes me more sick. The stress and energy it takes to put the face on makes all of my symptoms worse. If people allowed me the 15 minutes of explaining where things stand and a hug then they would know I can move on to talking about something other than what is going on – if you don’t want to know don’t ask but do not expect me to sit here and pretend life is perfect everyday. I’m allowed to have a bad day too.

Anyway, you should have seen the faces of those who had no clue as to my status when they saw me over the holidays - they were completely confused and almost hid from me and withdrew. I guess they hadn’t heard that the surgery created complications and that things were still going on with me. Especially when I was trying so hard; no naps, no flashing medication, no asking for anything special. I just wanted to not wear that “face.” It was quite surprising the people who came forward with support and those who acted like I had leprosy. It was just the opposite of the people I expected. I promise you can’t catch me! You all broke my heart. And yes, I understand that it is hard for you to see me this way but I don’t ask for anything from you except that we are friends and family like before all of this.

So if I have been withdrawn from people it is because the last month has been horrible and I am sick of putting on the “face.” The people who had been supportive have gotten tired I guess. When I am around they act like I am not sick or sometimes not even standing or sitting right next to them. Well guess how tired I am? I would rather hang out by myself and strangers than have to pretend I am something I am not…I refuse to hide all of this anymore. I am smart, strong and can do a lot if people let me be me and not have to constantly wear the face which makes me sick on a physical level as well as breaks my heart. Well I congrats, my heart is broken.

Right now my life is hard and that is a fact I can not change; only one I can deal with – can you?

So my resolution for 2007 is to be the best me I can be while dealing with more than anyone usually does when they live to 100. My other one is to be the best friend/family I can to you if you are the best you can be to me. Neither of us should have to go it alone at times like these. What’s your resolution?