Remembering You

The snowflakes fall as they did the day we first met 15 years ago. Softly kissing the ground and blowing on the wind. It’s like living in a snow globe except something is missing. That night you walked in from the storm, so fierce, you claimed me as your mother and I you as my best friend. You were so cold from the snow but determined in your actions, you sat on my lap as if you always had and answered my childhood dreams of owning you; of owning a black cat who would be my best friend.

Little did I know how close we would become and how true our friendship would be and how much you would affect my life. I sit back now wondering if you know how much I loved you and how I ache for you now. If you know how great the bond between us would be and the hole it has left me with. My heart aches with literal pain as I grieve for your passing. My beautiful child can you please forgive me and remember how much I loved you as we napped and cared for each other through all of the horrible and wonderful times we had?

I miss you purring sounds as I scratch you fur and as you beg for treats of tuna and milk. Your stealth actions always sneaking a sip of my nightly milk when I was not looking. The feel of your thick winter coat against my skin often heating me as well as you despite the blankets or the temperature in the room, so soft and loving. I miss how you curled up on my chest so our heartbeats would sound as one. How you knew where I hurt; and laid there like a Band-Aid trying to sooth my pains and illness as I lay there helpless and alone. I can’t help remembering you, your every breathe and every moment.

I remember your last breathes as if they were my own. Everyone pains me as I think of the glassy look in your eyes begging for care and love. I told you everything as we wandered the house in tears and laughter. But somehow all I can remember is the last breath you took because of me. To ease your pain but only begin the agony for me as you departed into the spiritual world. Somehow I still feel like your murderer though I know you would lie dead today if it were not for me helping you to have some dignity. Some say you were only a pet but honestly you were my best friend for the past fifteen years, never judging and only loving. And yet it was me who had to decide if that deadly needle should help you along.

What if I was wrong and you would be here today? I have nightmares now in my short attempts of sleep. I can’t seem to wonder if I did right by you as I helped end your life and move on to the next. Every breath I take hurts as memories flood my thoughts. If you can forgive me for our last few moments when I held your hand and had to help you go. Everyday I feel so much guilt about the way things ended. If only I knew that you felt the same and were sad to go and leave me too.

I can’t stop remembering you and wonder how to say good-bye to you my best friend. Please remember that I would only do what is best for you and that I am so alone without you by my side. How will I fight my own battle against illness and death without you? I feel lost without you. A piece of my heart missing; but I can’t help to remember you as the snow falls and I recall the day you walked into my life and changed it and me forever.

I am here remembering you but are you remembering me? I love you my best friend, my baby kitten, my child. Know I just wanted the best for you out of my tremendous love.

I’ll always be remembering you.