Still Fighting...

...just tired and worried about my appointment this week with the NYC docs. I told you I wouldn't give up and I haven't but as two of my friends indicated today - I look much worse than last time because at least before I had energy. It was nice to see them but also sad because I wasn't my usual self and it reminded me of all the things I am missing out on. I was actually jealous that they had to get dressed for work - something I haven't done in over a year now. Nor have I collected a single paycheck in that time. Ahh, the luxuries of employment, you earn money to buy clothes to wear. They asked where my coat was but I told them I don't really have one that fits so I did not wear one. I do have one coat but I can onle wear a t-shirt under it or it doesn't close. And, to think I bought it only a few months ago.

I still haven't done any of my Christmas stuff and am not in the mood this year. Everyone says they understand but it makes me sad because this is my time of the year. I am enjoying my new bed that finally got here on Saturday - that was a birhtday present. I love it. It helps the pain so much more than the old one and I actually get a little sleep in it. I still wake every hour or two and stay awake for the same but at least I am comfortable.

Thursday will say alot about my future, what happens next for my health, my career (aka bank account) and my life. It scares me to think another doc will dare say I'm not sick even though I have hundreds of pages of documentation supporting me. Although I should be happy she has already mentioned surgery. I know that makes me sound mental but it will fix me and I know what to expect if it is done correctly. This time I don't see them screwing up since thye will likely take my entire gland and I will have to be on complete hormone replacement - not just estrogen and stuff but things that make your heart beat and your organs function - but hey, at least I would be able to function and live a somewhat normal life. If they do chemo and radiation (yes they do it for tumor other than cancer) then I have a long waiting period and will be like this much longer. I do NOT want that. I want to be as aggressive as possible and start to be "Dulcie" again. I miss running and exercise like crazy becasue currently I have no outlet for stress other than writing here. I offered to make the blankets for people but they don't understand that doing that has two benefits - I make a small profit and it helps to relax me a bit.

Anyway, I am going to go, more tomorrow.