A Charlie Brown Christmas

Every year I watch almost every Christmas film ever made just for the little points and meanings they hold each year. And the meanings do change from year-to-year or I notice something I seem to have overlooked. Last night I watched the tradidtional Charlie Brown Christmas.

This year that poor little tree had even more meaning for me. I was the sickly little thing and just needed some tender care. That is kind of what I feel like this year. I have made it through another year with Cushing's and am hopefully to be beautifully decorated like that tree for next year. It's my favorite time of year but I can't seem to get in the mood. I haven't baked a single cookie and I haven't even played a single CD which usually takes the place of tv in my house.

I'm hoping that my friends, like Charlie Brown's, will circle round and make me feel like Christmas all over again. I want to bake the cookies and play the music but I'm to tired and my health seems to be on a decline again. My blood pressure dropped and everything else that goes with it the other night and I probably should have went to the hospital but I can't make myself go there. Anyway, I know what to do when things like this happen now since they have been a normal occurence in my life the past 16 months. I called the doc in NYC and was told I am doing the right thing with liquids, monitoring all my levels, measuring my fluid output, etc. There isn't much else to do.

In my heart I want to do "Christmas" but I feel like I have lost my decorations and half my needles. After my birthday this weekend I will try again and I'm sure like that little tree I too will become my usual Christmas-self! Lately though I just feel like people have forgotten about me and my battle. I can't say I blame them, living with this is hard even for me much less watching a friend go through it. Besides who wants to think about such "ugly" things during such a beautiful time of the year. I just wish I could wake up one morning and not feel the illness.

It helps for me to help others and I have been emailing and chatting with other Cushing's patients and maybe that's my gift to give this year. But as of December 12th (the day after my b-day) I hope to have found a renewed spirit and be able to do both. Besides i have a very important doctor appointment on December 22 that I have to look forward to and know they can help me.

Let's hope I can decorate that Charlie Brown tree in time for Christmas!

PS - At least I did decorate my tree!