In Need of A Christmas Miracle

Today was another blow to my constant influx of bad news. Because I am not able to drive my cars breaks have rusted out and I needed to purchase new ones - which aren't cheap - so that I can make safe trips to the doctors and possibly home for the holidays. With my limited funding this was a huge blow since I had just spent my money on Christmas presents for my family who have tried to be supportive of me over the past 16 months of my life. I got some help from my mom – thanks! It makes me feel like a moron though having to ask for help. Those of you who know me, know that I am very independent and usually the one helping others.

I feel as though once I get ahead I get kicked once more or am like Charlie Brown and that damn football. I finally got a roommate to help financially so that I can make my life easier until I am able to return to work full-time. Thank goodness she seems to understand my situation and the horrible effects this disease is having on my life. It not only threatens my physical life but also the “life” I have built.

While I have stayed positive throughout most of this ordeal it is getting harder each day as I continue to grow sicker. Half my family does not believe that I am sick and the other half forgets that I am still struggling…same with some of my friends. Many have just disappeared for good. I am afraid and god knows what will happen with my career when it is time to go back. Will I? Or will I have to change completely?

Others are under the false impression that I am getting loads of money from my employer from disability but I don’t have that either. I wonder if these people have ever read more than one sentence or went to school to learn to read because obviously their reading comprehension is off! I don’t get it – no one even offers to cook a meal or send me $5 bucks for lunch…if I had cancer people would be knocking down my door to help. Yet because I don’t look sick, just fat, they don’t understand that I can’t drive most days and can usually only walk a block or two.

So I am hoping for a Christmas miracle and that between all the powers that be, spiritual and medical, I can get going and survive this thing before it wears me down to the bone and there is nothing left of me. I try to stay positive and to give as much of myself as I can and be the same person but I feel her slipping away with every football that gets pulled away. I know there are others with problems but the past 16 months have been unbearable and there are many Cushing’s patients who get abused and go through the same things as I have. They seem to be the only people who understand. It’s not like cancer where people “get it”.

All I want is a miracle for all of us Cushing’s patient’s and honestly for myself so I can get my surgery in January and start to salvage what is left of my life. I will come out different from this struggle but only better I hope if I win this fight – I just need some help and for it to come sooner rather than later! Please pray for a Christmas miracle that I get some sort of relief (financial, medical, emotional, spiritual, whatever).

I met the man of my dreams and had the career I had always dreamed of and was finally able to start giving back to those in need and those who supported me along the way…I just pray I get some of that back soon. My spirit is broken today and I’m sure tomorrow I will be back fighting but anything you can do to help will be more than welcome – even if it is just an email to say hi or tell me a story.

I’m starting to lose my need to go kick that football! Let’s hope I get good news next week or sometime in the near future as I can’t do this missing the football anymore. I swear I am a good person!

And tomorrow I’ll be back in fighting mode but I just had to get this off my chest…I’m allowed to have a bad day – hell I’ve been fighting this horrible disease for more than 16 months now…

Please hope and pray for a Christmas miracle for me as I really need one…I don't want pity just real concern and to know that you really care - that I'm not just your gossip topic or something to amuse yourself. I'd rather go it alone than have false friends and support.

So for those of you who have been there for me thanks and keep praying for some sort of miracle. I wouldn't be able to do this without you!