Cleaning House

I'm moving some stuff around because I need to get a roommate very badly, that and I'm hoping my doc will let me do some yoga and gentle exercise. I see her tomorrow and hopefully she says yes so I can get back on track and then eventually try to go back to work. I'm sure I'll be fired though since they haven't contacted me only once or twice the entire time I have been out. Granted I understand they may be upset that I only worked for a few weeks before all of this happened but I didn't ask for the two tumors in my head and chest! Ok, back on track...

So I thought I would move one of my small dressers into my closet and fill it with storage stuff and then move a small roll-top desk I have into my bed room and use it for my art supplies. I'll obviously need help moving the stuff but I'm kinda sick of looking at my room and house always looking the same. Let’s face it I have been sitting in the same spot for 10 months now. Ugh! That and maybe a new set of funky sheets will make my room feel different and add some excitement to my life. Besides if I get my art stuff out from under my bed and out of the closet I might actually use it some more.

So anyway, I was cleaning out the small dresser and pulled out my shorts from last summer. My god, what a difference a year and a tumor will make. They're a size 6 and a small size 6 at that and I held them up to my new shorts and wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. They are less than half the size of my current shorts. No wonder I feel fat. I didn't really realize how skinny I used to be until I held them out and saw them. I couldn't believe I used to be so small and used to whine about being fat...man was I crazy! So I'm sitting there trying to decide if I hang onto them or toss them...I can't believe that by next summer they will fit but everyone says as soon as I come off the steroids and other drugs and begin moving more it will all fall off. I sure hope so! So I'm keeping them and hoping they fit. If they don't fit by next spring I will toss them. Besides if I do lose all this weight I think I deserve some new clothes!

I've been doing my walks almost every night but I don't see any improvement...as a matter of fact I gained 10 pounds this week. Now I'm back up to my pre-surgery weight and it makes me so upset and mad! I hate this! I want my life back! I hate feeling like a zombie from my drugs and having no control over what happens to my body...not to mention my checking account which has suddenly been eaten alive by some alien freak (my doctors and months off work without pay)! I need to get my life back in more ways than one and this is taking a really long time…I’m so frustrated all I want to do is cry! And the sad part is I can’t make people understand…I get mad at my situation more than them but they still think I should be wandering around with a smiley face. Most days I do feel pretty happy and am doing well but I still have my days when all I want to do is sit and cry because I don’t have my life back yet. I know it sounds stupid and I should be glad I’m alive but this shit sucks and it’s not my life! I want to do what I want when I want and I even want to work but mostly I just want things to be back to “normal.”

Ok enough pity party for today!