Mental Health vs. Physical

Well mentally my mind has finally woken up and I am able to read and think and write. It's amazing, like one day I woke up from a long dream and could function mentally. I could watch the morning news and actually understand all the horrible things happening in our country and world. I remember when the hurricanes hit last year and I couldn't understand the news and had to ask many people to update me and help me comprehend what was happening and why the people weren't getting help. Now there are days when I wish I could walk through life as oblivious as I was prior to getting my mind back.

Anyway, when I first was diagnosed I got a lot of magazines and books thinking as a disabled person I would have time to read...the problem was that my mind wouldn't let me. So then I thought after surgery I will have something to do while I recovered. (They came in handy for those few who came to visit when I couldn't function or have a full conversation.) Man who was I kidding I could barely remember to take my medication much less read and write. You're probably thinking there isn't much difference from this entry from the others...there is but you can't see it...it's the time it takes me to develop a thought and put it down. When I first started this blog it took hours to put in one entry and now I can do it in minutes.

So now that I am mentally back my former job has ignored my pleas to return to the real world and put it to use. Of course they won't say so but they ignored countless emails and phone calls. I finally called the international office in London hoping to get results and all I got was, "I haven't been able to get with the right people but will get back to you by the end of the week." She had a hard time understanding that my original email more than two months ago requested a part-time start and then work my way back to full-time within a month. I explained that since they have taken so long; I have recovered even more since I was able to focus on getting better even longer than planned.

Which is true for the most part and interviews have gone well and people have either been amazed by my story or scared of it. I think people find me brave for the most part but are unsure if I can handle the physical demands of my position...hello, I’m an executive level person who sits at a desk coming up with ideas and writing them while managing clients and a staff...not physically taxing (like lifting and stuff). See the only problem is, even though I lost 20+ pounds so far I still don't look like the old me so people have doubts about my abilities – most people in the industry have run into me at some point prior to my illness and some don’t recognize me now or are judging me because they don’t know my story for the past 20+ months.

Well they shouldn't I am beginning to gain strength everyday and am doing physical therapy so that I can fix my bones and muscle structure the proper way...only problem is that I can no longer afford food much less continuing physical therapy. I guess I will have to use the little I learned to help me until I get a job and can afford to pay the bill.

The sad part is, I had an amazing offer and was ready to take it and go back to work sometime in the next month or two and they pulled the offer because my client would not be comfortable with me since I was recently so ill. Look, I would never put myself in a position to look like an ass in my career. I guess it is better that it happened that way though, I can continue to get my physical self back since I had a few doubts about full-time work. Not that they were a reality, but, were more likely part of my fears from having experienced things most people never will. You probably never thought you were gonna die at 30 from a freaky disease or a stroke, or an infection from an unknown source...that's what I call scary! So if you have doubts about my physical health - have no fear, I will beat the obstacles I have left they are just a little slower and haven't killed my creativity and spirit!

Anyway, I was on one of my support groups for Cushing's tonight and we were all chatting about things and several have asked me why I can make them understand things their docs can’t…and I said part of it was my career and the other was humor. We forget humor is a universal language and it can make things easier to discuss and understand if we all speak the same language. Perhaps I should consider a career change to a full-time patient educator instead of PR.

At least it is something to think about...thoughts?

A Return to Normal...?

Well this week I got another sign that I was getting better...I got my period with cramps and migraines! I kow that this is a good sign and something I have been hoping for but holy cow - after 20 months of no period this is hell. It is like 20 months of missed ones in one. :-) But hey it's just one and I have to have a few more to prove that part of my body is working again.

One part at a time and one day I'll be fully up and running...maybe this doc actually knows what she is doing...it's just a shame I still had to fight with people in my life to understand and get it. It was a hard enough struggle on just a physical and mental level for myself. There is nothing I can do to help them and I have come to a point where it is their fault for not trying to trust my docs and their own family.

I have learned through this ordeal that I can't change their minds and I no longer need to try because the only person it hurts is me. Someone wrote a comment and mentioned me being depressed and actually since I have come to terms that my family and certain friends will never change has lifted a huge load off of my back. It has allowed me to be me and to be happy. I haven't been this happy in years. I have a wonderful support system including a great man who I know will be there even when life gets rough. I am getting my life back and have the opportunity to make it better than before by choosing my own path and not worrying about others expectations of me.

I don't know who felt free to call me "Dulc" and tell me I was depressed but they obviously hadn't spoken with me. They chose to read this not as me being a fighter and survivor but as a depressed person. I don't think many people in my life would say I was ever at such a point even when all this happened to me...I may have lost my spirit for a day or two but if they went through this I am sure they would not have had the strength and spirit I maintained throughout. I do not wish them ill, I only wish they understood me as much as they think they do and hope they never have to go through something so horrible and fight to get people to love you...it wasn't a matter of understanding my illness it was a matter of people not trusting and loving me along the way unconditionally. People that should have...but as I have said, I have learned more about myself through this and do everyday and am at one of the happiest times in my life now that I have learned a few lessons.

So no more comments on people who haven't supported me as I am past that now and moving forward with my life without them...their actions can be judged and debted by someone higher than me.

Each day I have been doing some of my own energy healing since I visited "my friend" and feel wonderful and strong. My strength is coming along and one day soon I will be fully recovered - even if it takes a few more months I am willing to do the time and remain positive.

I have several doctors appointments coming up so I am sure there will be more news soon...