I Know Patience is a Virtue But...

...it's getting harder and harder to wake up in a body that isn't mine. It doesn't feel like me or look like me. I'm doing a fairly good job at trying to stay positive but every time I look in a mirror or try to do something as simple as walk on a treadmill I get a cruel reminder that this is far from over.

Every muscle in my body hurts and just wants to be put down. I've been trying to do the treadmill but the pain is some times so much that I feel as though I may pass out. But I keep going hoping that if I work through the pain that I'll have some sort of semblance of my body and myself. Walking on the treadmill creates such muscle spasm and fatigue that it's hard to walk around the rest of the day. But I have to continue to fight which feeds another beast...

Being a person who previously dealt with an eating disorder for a few years this is getting even harder emotionally. I fought so hard to be able to eat and exercise normally that I don't want to lose that but everyday I look in the mirror all I want to do is cry and slip back into the old ways. I guess it's kinda like an alcohol addiction, it never really goes away and you can't slip and have just one or you risk falling back into the oblivion. I wake up starving in the middle of the night from what I assume is a cortisol rush but deny myself for fear of overeating and the ensuing purging that would soon follow from the guilt. I can't get any larger I feel and look miserable!

So emotionally as well as physically I am completely exhausted and just wish that this would be somewhere near an end. I want so much to return to a normal life and live in the body that let me do what I want and was bearable to look at in the mirror. I guess this is all coming about because I fear the spring and the summer as smaller clothing approaches and terrible heat.

This is so hard but I just need to try to stay strong. It's just getting harder everyday to look and feel like this. But patience is a virtue right? How much is one expected to have after more than seven months of chaos?